


We're Not Lovers

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Strangers [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's POV, Alternate Season/Series 01, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forbidden Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Parabatai, Pre-Series, Sensuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-04 20:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12175755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: Alec's bachelor party goes a bit differently...





	1. We're just strangers

**Author's Note:**

> New 'verse! For the ones who are familiar with my Seelie Court Kiss AU, this new AU - called "Strangers" from the Halsey song, every title is a verse - follows a similar logic of rewriting some canon events. This time i go back to season 1 (and before). I had this scenario in mind ever since s1 was *airing*, so i'm glad i could finally put it to words. I'm also a bit nervous for the same reason. I apologize in advance for any pain ;)  
> Enjoy!  
> p.s. this has three chapters, before you ask about sequels!  
> p.p.s. some dialogues come directly from the show, intermixed with my stuff, so when you find some familiar quotes i advice to read them through to catch the changes

“You trust me, don't you?”

Any other time Alec wouldn’t have had any problem answering ‘yes’ to the question uttered by his sister, but considering how she was marching him blindfolded into uncharted waters…

“No, not really. And I _told_ you, I don’t need a bachelor party."

"You need _this_ one. Now, count to five, and take your blindfold off," she intimated him.

"Really, Izzy? Seriously?"

But she was off, and Alec could only walk forward, removing the blindfold without counting the only rebellion he could afford himself. He was in some kind of _bar_ , he noticed, and his desire to be there plummeted even more. What exactly would be the need of getting _drunk_? It’d only cause a headache, without making it any easier to march down the aisle the next day.

When Jace appeared, however, Izzy's scheme became all too clear. Alec reflexively – protectively – crossed his arms.

"Izzy said you wanted to talk," were Jace’s first words. 

Seeing him, merely _hearing_ his voice was enough to cause a pang in that place in Alec's ribcage that hadn’t stopped hurting since…far too long. 

"I don’t know what she thought I wanted to say," Alec shot back.

If Jace – or Izzy – expected him to bow down or give in, they were _wrong_. _Many_ words had been said in the past few weeks (and _months_ ) between him and Jace, and none of them had done anything but widen and _deepen_ the rift dividing them.

 _Wow, Alec. All these years I hadn’t realized you were a damn_ coward _._

 _And you don’t care about anything or anyone but_ yourself _!_

_You know what? Dial it down a notch._

_What is with you? Really, no, what is with him?_

_Are you so desperate to get laid that you'll risk killing us?_

_Wow, um, there's so much in that that was wrong, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it._

_That's the problem. You're not listening!_

_You can trust her, or not. I don't care. That's not my business. But if you don't trust_ me _–_

_She just came out of nowhere, Jace._

_Do not start this again with me, Alec._

_Just listen to me for one second!_

_Alec, stop! Just stop._

_I'm older than you, Jace. I'm not in your shadow._

_You know what? This is great. This is fantastic, the girl–_

_Her name is Clary and I highly suggest you keep your voice down._

_Why? What, are you afraid I'm gonna upset her? We have risked our lives again and again for this girl, and where has it gotten us? All right? Nowhere._

_What did you_ do _, Alec?_

_I did my best, Jace._

_Then maybe your mother was right, and your best just isn't good enough!_

_Hey! Are you so blinded by your feelings for Clary, you've lost sight of us?_

_I’ll be fine on my own._

_He can call me when he's done chasing the little girl._

_Not sure what to say._

_How about, "None of this matters"? We have to stop Valentine._

_Finally. Something we agree on._

_You lied to me._

_I did what needed to be done._ _It's you that doesn't understand, Alec._

 _You’re going to break the Law for_ her _?!_

_You've had it out for Clary from the start. And now you're getting married, Alec? We both know what this is about._

_Oh, do we? Okay. Why doesn't the legend, Jace Wayland, tell us what's it about?_

_It's about me! You’re jealous, and what_ right _do you have since it was you who–_

_Do it. Do it! I don't wanna be alive if we're on different sides, Alec!_

_Come with me. We'll fight Valentine the right way together._

_If we do that we'll be considered traitors like Mom and Dad. It’ll be breaking the_ Law _._

_Except you had no problem breaking the Law when it suited you, right?!_

_I'm begging you, my parabatai. Please, Alec, come with me._

_No._

_You cannot track Jace through your parabatai bond. It will weaken both of you, or break the bond._

_Jace already weakened it. How does he think I can trust him after what he did?_

_Jace is dead to me._

_Our parabatai bond, it's just so weak. He's like a ghost._

_You almost killed me! You weakened our parabatai bond just to find me._

_You betrayed me! You lied to me! You attacked me when I was doing what we should've been doing together!_

_I didn't betray you, Alec. I saved you from yourself!_

_Really? Everything you do is for a higher principle. You took the Cup, and you nearly handed it over to Valentine._

_That was not our intention._

_"Our intention"? Was it your intention to risk Izzy's life for hers? This isn't about Clary. This is about_ you _. Now, I'm gonna go tell_ my _sister that she still has a future._

How would any more do anything different? Everything was already a constant whirlwind at the back of Alec's mind, which filled his entire body with an unshakeable tremor wherever he went. 

And it all seemed to come down to _her_. Clary, Clary, Clary…if Alec had thought he had lost Jace before she had showed up, it all became strikingly clear after she entered their lives that Jace had permanently walked away from him.

Before her, Alec had almost been sure that they were about to get back to – if not what they once _were_ , at least to what they _should_ be. Parabatai. Entreat me not to _leave_ thee.

Except Jace had rather preferred _fighting_ him than leaving _her_.

Jace’s next words weren’t a surprise then. “Great. I guess I'll go. I've got work to do anyway.”

He should be used to this by now. Watching Jace’s retreating back shouldn’t hurt as much as it still did. Alec averted his gaze.

At the corner of his eye, however, he noticed Jace stopping in his tracks. Alec’s traitorous heart skipped a beat, at the same time that he tried to keep his hope _down_.

But Jace really did turn around, starting to walk back towards Alec…

He should feel relieved. He should be filled with _joy_.

He felt _angry_.

“You know what? She's right, we do need to talk,” Jace said, stopping in front of him.

Jace's eyes were too soft and big for that sharp-edged face, damn him. Alec swallowed down that irrational gush of feelings; he should at least hear him out first.

“Well, it's _my_ bachelor party, so you go first,” he told him then.

“Okay...” Jace took a deep breath. “Listen, I don't know, or I don’t _entirely_ know, how things got so messed up between us. But you were right, Alec, we’re _parabatai_ , and we’ll always be. I don’t want there to be a rift between us anymore… my life has been _so_ much harder not having you to talk to.”

The raw pain and honesty in Jace’s voice was piercing like the tip of an arrow, and Alec reluctantly had to admit, “Mine, too.” He wouldn’t have been able to deny it even if he tried.

“I know it seems like I've been making a lot of crazy choices lately,” Jace went on. “And I know you think that I was only thinking about myself and Clary, and I wasn't thinking about the consequences to anyone else…all I can say is, I've been going through a lot.” Jace lowered his eyes for a moment. When he looked back up, he was more determined as he took another step forward. “But I only ever did what I thought was right, Alec. I _never_ wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry.”

_Crazy choices…myself and Clary…consequences…what I thought was right…never wanted to hurt you…_

That was all Alec’s brain had registered, and all it could focus on.

Jace was _apologizing_ , he claimed he had never wanted to hurt him, he was trying to bridge the gap that had formed between them – it was basically everything Alec had wanted…and _yet_.

Something _roared_ inside of Alec, undeterred and unsatisfied. “ _Well_ , then. It’s all fixed now, I guess!” he might as well have _barked_.

Jace was visibly taken aback. “Of _course_ not, I just mean–”

“I know what you _meant_.” And in that moment, Alec did the cruelest high-pitched voice that ever came out of his mouth, “‘ _I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, Alec, but I still think I was right and didn't do anything wrong_. _Let’s just forget about it and move on.’”_

Jace moved his mouth wordlessly, as if he was doing an impression of a fish, and Alec felt a twisted kind of satisfaction in seeing that. _I’ll be fine on my own,_ he had said.

“That’s _not–_ ” Jace started, then changed his mind. “Okay, so what exactly do you _want_ from me?! I _didn’t_ want to hurt you, even when I would’ve had all the _right_ to – but if you really think that I should’ve let Clary get killed in her quest to find her mother, or get Meliorn _tortured_ , or that I shouldn’t have tried to find and stop _Valentine_ , then yes, Alec, you’re right! I _do_ think that was the right thing to do, and I can’t believe that _you_ would–”

“That I would _what_?!” Alec was practically shouting now. “You really think that I _wanted_ for Meliorn to be tortured? Or that I don’t care about what happens to Clary’s mother or whatever else Valentine could do? If you really think _that_ about me, then you don’t know me at all!”

“Then _why_?! Because Angel help me, Alec, I really don’t understand you anymore!”

A laugh burst out of Alec. “The feeling is _mutual_.”

They fell silent, their heavy breathing the only sound in the room, as they faced each other – it was undeniable now – like  no more than two strangers. Alec would’ve given _anything_ to be punched right there and then, so that he wouldn’t have to be aware of the painfully terrifying reality of that fact.

Instead, he let the anger take over.

“If you really wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing, you should’ve listened to me!”

“I _did_ –”

“No, you didn’t, _Jace_. Not to _one_ word since Clary showed up. Hell, even before that! You’re supposed to be my parabatai, to always be by _my_ side and fight _with_ me, no matter what…but you _always_ go your way, merrily jumping into everything you do as if you own the entire world, expecting me to follow you, which I _do_ , and then when you save the day and are acclaimed as a hero, _I_ am left to deal with the mess you leave in your wake!”

Those words were like _poison_ , pouring out of him from a cut that he hadn’t realized had been opening and re-opening inside of him time and time again. Freeing himself of it was as liberating as horrifying; not just himself anymore, but everything else around him was going to get tainted from it. 

Still, he couldn’t stop it.

“I was left _alone_ , Jace! While you were off playing the savior, I had to deal with everything that was raining down on my family – _your_ family – _alone_! Did you ever stop to think for _one_ second about the consequences of your actions?! You said it yourself, you _didn’t_ , and you didn’t even stop to _see_ them…so _yes_ , I had to make some hard choices! Mom and dad were sent away, Izzy was almost exiled…and what if you hadn’t arrived in time with the Cup? What if the Clave had kept on being unhappy with us? Do you realize what could’ve happened to _Max_? They could’ve sent him to live and be raised by someone else, a proper and shiny family loyal to the Clave, and we would’ve never seen him again! But of course, nothing mattered more than helping _Clary_ , right? Since _you_ weren’t affected personally – because _who_ would dare held the legend Jace Wayland accountable for his actions – the family that took you in wasn’t _your_ problem! And while you were going off with _her_ , _I_ took the risks, I bore them myself so that _they_ wouldn’t have to… so you bet that I would willingly and knowingly lead an innocent man to be tortured! And now I’m going to get _married_ to a _girl_ that has still been more supportive of me than you’ve _ever_ been...only to save _your_ sorry ass! So _no_ , Jace, I don’t care for your poor excuse of an _apology_.” He spit the last words out with all the vitriol he had in him. His throat was so hoarse that he wouldn't have been surprised if it burned down. 

The silence that followed was louder than a thunderstorm.

What was he feeling? What did he feel? Alec didn’t know. Angel, he didn’t know. Was it relief? Was it satisfaction? Was he still _angry_?

Witnessing the lucid glint in Jace’s eyes, he didn’t know who he was anymore, as he blinked hard himself. 

“I – I didn’t – that wasn’t – I...” Jace’s broken voice was the last sound Alec would've wanted to hear in that moment. “Alec, you know you’re the _most_ important person in my life!”

It still wasn’t enough. “Am I? _Am_ I? Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it!” 

“I _swear_ , Alec, I didn’t want for any of this to happen! I know I messed up, but I love…your family! If I could go back–” Jace sprung forward, his hand trying to take ahold of Alec’s desperately. “You _have_ to believe me.”

Alec snatched his hand away.

“It’s too _late_.” The cracks in his own voice didn’t matter.

“Just, let me fix it! I’ll talk to Lydia, to the Inquisitor, to everyone! I’ll tell them none of this was your fault. _Please_ , Alec, let me make this right again… _we_ will be alright again.”

Alec shook his head, taking several steps back. “I’m tired, Jace, I’m so damn _tired_. I can’t stand having to do everything alone anymore. If I’m such a burden to you now... _go_ – just go! I release you from any obligation you might have with me, you’re _free_! You don’t owe me anything anymore.”

And he started walking away.

“NO! Alec, that’s not what I want! You could never be a burden, the opposite of that – I can't  _live_ without you! These past few months…have been _hell_. Please, don’t go.”

Jace grabbed Alec’s arm, _hard_ , his fingers burying into Alec’s flesh. “Just give me another chance, I’ll do everything, _anything_ , I’m begging you…”

Alec used all the strength he had left to pry his arm free. He was already up the stairs when he heard a sob.

He swore he heard a tearing sound, too. Two halves being ripped apart.

**four years earlier**

It had happened when Alec was seventeen.

Jace and Izzy had succeeded in dragging him to a Downworlder rave a night they weren’t on duty, and he spent the entire time huddled against the wall of the most isolated corner he could find, watching from afar as his siblings got more and more plastered as time flew by, dancing wildly with the hot strangers they managed to lure into their clutches.

Whenever someone approached him, generally girls, Alec always gave a curt shake of his head, hoping that if he ignored them hard enough they’d go away on their own. It worked most of the time. When at some point, however, a guy – probably a vampire by the looks of it – passed him, winking at him, Alec had to find another corner.

All night he was cranky, bored, _pissed_ more than usual, wanting to either punch something, or go yell at Izzy, or Jace, or both. He _knew_ it would turn out like this, and he shouldn’t have given in to their pleading.

Eventually, right as the _fun_ going on on the dance floor happened to get too close to him in the form of a girl latching her leg around Jace’s hip in his line of sight, Alec realized it was time to go home. That was clearly a sign for him to call it quit.

He had stepped out of the tent – a freaking Seelie _tent_ in Central Park, by the Angel, why had he been so stupid? – when a slurred, eager voice reached him from behind.

“Hey, Alec! Alec, where the hell are you going?”

Of course, it was Jace. It was always him.

Alec reluctantly turned around, taking in with bile in his throat the bunch of girls who had followed his parabatai outside. “Where would I be going? Back to the Institute, of course.”

Jace’s face morphed into confusion as his mouth caught up with his fuddled brain. “Why?”

Alec sighed. “Isn’t it _obvious_? Listen, this kind of things are not for me. Just make sure Izzy comes back home in one piece, okay?”

“C’mon, Alec! Why can’t you have some _fun_ for once in your life?!”

Alec could’ve been slapped, for all he knew. The jab hit him right in that place inside of him that he didn’t want to think about, so he was grateful when his _anger_ roared back to life instead, his ears almost fuming at the sound of the girls’ giggles. “Well, I wouldn’t want to spoil _your_ fun, so I’ll just leave you to it and _go_.” 

And he walked away without looking back to see Jace’s reaction.

He had almost made it to the mundane part of the park when a pair of footsteps approaching him alerted him. His sword was half-way out of its holster when he rounded on the dark figure, but it was put back in place when he realized who it was.

“Woah, woah, easy!” Still _Jace_ , arms up in front of him in a gesture of surrender.

“What are you doing here, where are your – _friends_?” Alec snapped.

Jace closed his eyes for a moment, probably recovering from how loud Alec’s voice had sounded in the darkness, but when he reopened them he was slightly more lucid. “You think I would just let you go like that, _parabatai_? What happened to _whither thou goest, I will go_?”

“I think it applies to better things that this. And I _told_ you, I don’t want to spoil your fun…just go back inside.”

“Wait!” Jace grabbed his arm, and Alec reluctantly stopped. “I’m _sorry_ , okay? I didn’t mean what I said. Or, I _would_ like for you to loosen up a bit, but that wasn’t the right time, or way, to tell you that.”

Jace was staring at him intently, his eyes big and apologetic, and Alec sighed, both internally and externally. He could never stay mad at Jace for more than a hot minute…because the reason he was ever mad at him, was that he was always the _opposite_ of mad _at_ him.

Staying mad at _himself_ for that very same reason was much too easy, instead. 

“It’s fine. I just – I’m gonna go home now.”

“Okay.”

Alec started walking again…but was surprised to find out that Jace was still beside him.

“What are you doing?”

Jace arched an eyebrow at him. “ _What_? I’m going with you.” Then he grinned, slapping Alec on the arm. “I was serious before! You think I’d just abandon you, my _parabatai_ , for some girls? Well, not to say that it wouldn’t have been _nice_ …but I have a mission now. I’ll get you to have fun tonight, as if my life depended on it!”

And he started laughing, resuming his steps as if he didn’t have a care in the world. A corner of Alec’s mouth perked up in spite of himself, and he could only follow Jace’s lead.

Somehow, they stumbled upon some sort of mundane amusement park, as they learned it was called. The place was riddled with stands of various items, food most of all, and people who seemed to be enjoying passing in front of them all. If that was what they liked…but Alec had to admit that it wasn’t _too_ bad; they even chose to de-glamour themselves and intermingle with them. Finding out that there were stands that had _games_ , however, was what made Jace truly light up. 

“Ah ah! You’ll like this one!” he exclaimed, as he dragged Alec in front of a place where people had to shoot darts at balloons. “I _bet_ I’ll hit more than you.”

“Seriously?” Alec rose a skeptical eyebrow up - but then he _smirked_. If that was what Jace _wanted_ … “We’ll see about _that_.”

He ended up winning, and the thought that Jace might’ve _let_ him, to have him ‘’loosen up’’, didn’t even hinder Alec from… _actually_ loosening up. When it turned out he could choose a price, Alec swallowed down his amusement at what the choices were, and picked a balloon-hat that he placed on Jace’s head. Jace wore it proudly (until it fell and he accidentally stepped on it), laughing his ass off every time he remembered about it. 

After that, they discovered a variety of other games, some that weren’t even in a stand. They got into some kind of toy cars – in which they miraculously managed to fit – that could crush against each other at will, even though they would’ve preferred them not being so _cushioned_. Mundanes were such cowards. In the presence of a wild and drunk Jace, though, it was probably better that way.

Then there were suspended chairs that spun around, and the goal was to catch a dangling object up above while they worked in pairs, one pushing the other up, and it wasn’t surprising that the two of them managed to get it more than everyone even _tried_ to do so. They were the best team there was, after all.

Shooting at other different stands, riding some other fast-moving whatever-they-were-called games…it shouldn’t have been as entertaining as it was. They found themselves clutching their stomachs in uncontrollable laughter too many times to count, and Alec couldn’t remember ever having spent such a time with Jace. What would his parents _say_ if they _saw_ them playing like common mundane children? But Alec, for how much he always did, _didn’t_ particularly care about their judgement in that moment. If it was up to him, he would’ve never gotten out of that particular dream.

Biting into their recently acquired burgers, they were still buzzing with excitement.

“So?” put in Jace, eyeing him knowingly.

Alec rolled his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat up upon realizing just how much he _hadn’t_ put up a fight against Jace’s plan to loosen him up. He had a standing as a Shadowhunter and an eldest son, _above_ immature and inconsiderate behavior – Jace would never let him live that one down, now.  

“Okay, fine, you win. I’m having fun. _Happy_?” he shot back, more bitterly than he had meant.

Jace’s expression softened. “Yeah, I am. I just want _you_ to be happy, you know that, right?” Jace’s voice was hesitant, small, so unlike him, and he wasn’t looking him in the eyes when he spoke.

Alec knew how much that had cost Jace to say, because they didn’t usually _voice_ these things. If Jace had done that, he had to mean it. So Alec nodded, not meeting Jace’s eyes as well.

_If he knew, he wouldn’t want you to be happy._

The thought slithered unannounced into his mind, yet unsurprisingly. Alec’s heart skipped a bit nonetheless. The reminder of just how much he was _deceiving_ the person who should be closest to him…made him get up from the bench he was seated on as if his ass had caught on fire.

“We should probably go,” he told Jace, stiffly.

Jace cleared his throat, probably embarrassed by his lapse of emotions, and he got up as well. “Yeah, but I mean, it’s still not that late. We could go for one last ride.” And he pointed at the giant spinning wheel towering right behind them.

Alec didn’t know how much of a good idea being alone up in the air with Jace could be, given his – _unfortunate_ condition. He should refuse on the principle of shielding Jace from his own sickness…but how could he say no to that hopeful face?

“This has been crazy, hasn’t it?” Jace broke the silence once they were at a decent altitude. “You’ve gotta hand it to the mundies, they have some creative ideas.”

Alec merely nodded. He had something stuck in his throat – maybe just some saliva. And all his attention was focused on fighting with himself to only stare ahead, or up, or below, and _not_ at the person right beside him. He was losing. Whenever he noticed that Jace was too enthralled in admiring the view, he couldn’t help but dare sneak a peek at him…with his recently-sharpened jaw highlighted by the stubble he had just started to grow…that speckle of brown in his left eye that always had a glint in it…that sleeked-down hair that always tried to break free…until Jace turned back towards him to make a comment or another, and Alec had to play it off as if he wasn’t just _staring_ at him.

He was hopeless, and _pathetic_.

When they reached the top, the wheel stopped.

“The view _is_ really stunning up here,” Jace said, awe clear in his voice.

Alec had forgotten that Jace was probably still more than a little tipsy – he hadn’t used his rune to heal himself after all – or he wouldn’t say all those cheesy things. Frustratingly, it only made him more endearing.

“Yeah, not bad,” Alec replied, not really agreeing with Jace. He knew he wouldn’t call a mere _city_ stunning, when he was seated next to– “It’s a beautiful city, if you ignore all the demons lurking in it,” he deadpanned, ignoring his lapse of thought as his heart beat furiously. He hoped Jace couldn’t hear it.  

Jace met his eyes. “That’s not all there is, though, right? There are good things, too…like you.”

“ _Me_?” Alec attempted a chuckle, predicting Jace’s next joke.

“Yeah, you.” But it didn’t come.

Alec wasn’t breathing anymore. And the lack of oxygen was probably making him short-circuit – that must’ve been it, or Jace wouldn’t appear so close to him, suddenly. Every second that went by, however, he only seemed to be closer and closer…

“What – are you–”

He felt every single moment painstakingly clear, as it was being burned into his memory. The way Jace looked with his eyes closed, as his lips finally came into contact with Alec’s, painfully slowly, lightly at first; then they pressed into him more firmly, and Alec obeyed the sudden impulse to press _back_. Their mouths slotted together, tasting each other as if saying _Hey, hi, I was waiting to meet you,_ and Alec would’ve wanted to keep his eyes open, but he _couldn’t_. When they shut closed on their own accord, everything became even more intense, and Alec could've sworn he was on _fire_ …and that touch just wasn’t enough. He brought a hand to cup Jace’s face, to _feel_ that he was real, that it was _him_ , but when Jace grabbed the collar of his shirt, drawing him to himself further, any last coherent thought left Alec altogether. He gasped, melting into the kiss, opening his mouth so that the tip of Jace’s tongue asking for entrance could be let in. When their tongues brushed against each other, sealing his first kiss as the best thing he’d ever felt in his life, the _moan_ that escaped him vibrated all around them. And something was singing, a chord inside of him whose other end was _Jace_ …

It was _everything_ , then _some,_ and _more_ than he had ever imagined.

His first kiss. With the very same person he had never dared to _hope_... 

Jace broke apart first, albeit reluctanctly, but he didn’t go further than resting his forehead against Alec’s, smiling brighter than Alec had ever seen. Alec was left with his mouth hanging open, as he stared at the sight in front of him in _shock,_ his lips pounding and burning and already longing to be kissed again…

Right then, a thud told them that they had reached the ground.

Before anything else could move, Jace abruptly teared himself away, turned around, bent outside the seats, and emptied the contents of his stomach on the grass.

Of the ride back home on a taxi, after he had managed to drag Jace all the way out of the park, Alec could later only remember the white noise that his brain had been, and the weight of Jace’s slumped form, half-asleep on his shoulder.

Of when he had tucked Jace into his bed, and Jace had smiled at him before closing his eyes, Alec knew only that his lips had been so frozen that he couldn’t smile back.

 _Jace_ could smile all he wanted, content and happy, since _he_ could kiss whoever he wanted on a whim because he wasn’t coherent enough to remember it. A kiss like that – that had meant _everything_ to Alec – was only just a blip in his radar.

Alec had muffled a scream into his pillow. After all those years of being hopelessly in _love_ with Jace...that had been the _cruelest_ of jokes. He could still taste alcohol in his mouth, the only time he ever liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who was meaner, me or Alec?


	2. With the same damn hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks to a time of old...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! Thanks to everyone again who liked and commented, i love you all <33  
> Brace yourselves!

He had been miserable for days and days after that kiss, his morose attitude striking as unusual even the people who knew him for his moodiness. And his forbidden, cursed feelings for Jace accompanied him always, never letting go, never withering. Like a leech.

Jace, as he had predicted, didn’t remember what had happened. His cheerful face when he had thanked Alec for bringing him home from the _party_ was proof enough, and he had proceeded to act with Alec as he always did. Alec’s already hopeless heart lost its last speckle of hope.

That wasn’t true, not really – _it_ always kept on holding onto some kind of hope, even though Alec had known for _years_ , even before the parabatai bond, that he was doomed. Why did hearts have to be so damn _stupid_ and stubborn?

 _His_ still surged at any sight of Jace, or whenever they were near each other, which was almost always…it skipped a beat whenever Jace smiled at him or pinned him down on the training mat, sweaty and gorgeous…and it clenched painfully whenever Alec remembered that he would never have him. And all the time, it felt like it was always about to jump out of his chest, especially when he remembered that _kiss_.

Alec couldn’t help but think back with nostalgia to a time – that already felt like an _eternity_ ago – when he hadn’t known what kissing Jace felt like. Back then his lips hadn’t been constantly burning.

Almost a week passed, and Alec was putting on pajamas over his still partially wet body with a _vengeance_ , mad with himself that he had had to relieve his frustrations under the shower after a particularly intense sparring session with Jace, when he hadn’t been able to hold his own because he kept being overwhelmed by _him_.

At some point, he had even almost thought…no, Jace had just been tired, when he had rose from him, walking away so soon after they had started…there was no other reason. He _couldn’t_ have looked at his lips, Alec must've imagined it, just as he had imagined Jace putting _his_ lips somewhere else on him under the shower. If Jace knew about _that_ , he’d feel disgusted by him, at the way he was dirtying everything they stood for – and _not_ look at his lips. Jace had been inebriated when he had kissed him, Alec needed to remind himself of that constantly. 

He jumped. The door had abruptly opened and closed. The only thing different in his room after that was Jace’s ghostly, panting form, still in his training clothes, leaning heavily against the door. And Alec thought of him as _ghostly_ because the expression on his face was that of someone who had just witnessed a murder.

“Hey, what happe–”

Alec couldn’t finish the sentence, because his mouth was suddenly attacked by another, his shirt fisted by demanding hands, and he was caught in a hot minute of open-mouthed, bruising kisses which he responded to with a desperation that shouldn’t have surprised him. The sound of their labored breathes echoing in the room only contributed to the heat that rose and rose between them, as they groped at each other’s bodies and melted into each other until Alec’s lips were positively throbbing in pain. Jace didn’t taste of alcohol this time, only of _Jace,_ and the sweat on his body made it even more acute. Alec would’ve never stopped devouring him.

He still did, pushing on Jace’s chest with all his strength until Jace stumbled backwards. They surveyed each other's disheveled states as if they’d never met before. Alec’s vision was blurry, but he swore that the expression on Jace’s face was stricken. Why had he _done_ that, then?!

But before Alec could voice that thought, Jace spoke. “I’m sorry, Alec. I – I lied. I remember kissing you at the park.”

Alec blanked for a whole five seconds. “ _What_?”

“I _lied_! Pretended it didn’t happen, all that jazz.” Jace rubbed at his eyes frustratingly.

“But – why?”

Jace started looking around the room, seemingly at a loss. “I–”

“Never _mind_ , I get it. What, you felt guilty and wanted to make it up to me? _Don’t_. I don’t need your pity. Especially if you hadn’t meant it.”

“I - I  _did_ mean it! All of it! You think I would just do something like that?! Kiss my _parabatai_ on a _whim_?!”

“You were _drunk_! You would’ve never done it if–”

“Yeah, you’re right. I would’ve never done it if I hadn't been drunk.”

Alec closed his eyes, his stomach dropping to his knees.

“Because when I’m sober I’m too _scared_ ,” Jace admitted, a crack in his voice.

Alec looked back at him. “ _You_ , scared?”

“Y – yes.”

Alec crossed his arms, suddenly feeling the need to protect himself. “And of _what,_ exactly?”

Jace was fidgeting with his hands, his eyes struggling to hold his gaze. He gulped visibly. “To love is...”

Alec didn’t need Jace to finish that sentence. Jace repeated his father’s mantra often enough for Alec to have come to hate it. _To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed_. In Alec’s experience, it was wrong: to love is to _be_ destroyed.

But he didn’t understand what that had anything to do with their situation.

“Okay, so what? Don’t tell me you – you _love_ me.” Alec chuckled. Only the _thought_ that Jace might be in love with him seemed ridiculous.

Jace frowned at him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying! Why do you think I kissed you, _twice_? Listen, I’m sorry. I _tried_ to hold it down, ignore it, and I’d understand if you just find me attractive or something, that’s why you – but _I_ am…in _love_ with you.” The words came out of Jace with immense struggle, as if he couldn’t believe he was really saying them…but there was no wavering in the _way_ he said them.

Had Alec hit his head, earlier? Had he fallen in the shower, into a portal to another dimension? Because the world had just turned upside down.

“I…just find you… _you_ are in…with _me_? Jace, if this is your idea of a joke, by the _Angel_ –”

“A joke? Don’t you even _know_ me? Would I joke about – listen, I’ll just go, I promise you we can just forget about this, I haven’t said a word. I’ll just–”

Jace quickly turned around to make his escape, but Alec’s hand shot forward, grabbing Jace's arm, before he could even think about it. Jace looked up at him in surprise. Alec stared back, searching into Jace’s eyes for he didn’t know _what._ But he didn't find anything besides clear speckles of blue and brown.

“This _must_ be a joke,” Alec breathed out then. “Because _I_ have been in love with _you –_ for _forever_! And now you say…Jace, if you’re _joking_ …”

“I’m telling you, I’m not – wait, you _what_?” It was Jace's turn to look into Alec's eyes for an answer, his mouth wide open. 

Alec couldn’t hold in a snort. “Where have you been all these years?”

“I – I knew you liked me, but…I never dared to hope the _other_ thing.”

Alec had moved past the  _like_ stage a long time ago…still, Jace had _known_?

“Then why didn’t you _say_ anything? And why do you say that you love me _now_?” Alec realized he should’ve been at least _angry_ at this entirely out of time, and out of the blue, revelation...but he only felt like a little kid waiting to hear his punishment.

Jace turned around further to better face him, and only then did Alec remember that he was still holding Jace's arm. He removed his hand right as Jace took a deep breath. “As for the first question, I don't remember _you_ ever saying anything either." Alec wanted to protest, but Jace kept going, "As for the other one...because it’s _true_. I think I realized it when – remember that time I stupidly went after a greater demon on my own, and you followed me? We were swarmed by raveners and you stayed behind to let me get to him?”

Alec merely nodded. He didn’t think he could ever forget that. It had happened a few years earlier, before Jace had even asked him to become parabatai. Jace kept saying that his father would’ve expected him to have already killed a greater demon, and one day he had decided to take matters into his own hands. Alec had been scared _shitless_ when he had found out where Jace had gone to. “Okay, I got hurt defending you and you were scared for me, it still doesn’t mean–” 

“No, Alec, it wasn’t just that. I never killed that demon.”

Alec blinked. “What? But you said…when I asked you in the infirmary…”

“I _know_ what I said. But I lied - I couldn’t do it. I mean, I _could’ve_ , I had him in my line of sight and he didn’t know I was there. But when I heard you scream…I couldn’t waste a moment longer, I couldn’t fulfill that task if it were at _your_ expanse! And I did exactly what my father would’ve _punished_ me for doing, I cared about _you_ more than I cared about being the best Shadowhunter I could be.”

Alec opened and closed his mouth a few times. That – changed some things. He remembered almost _dying_ at the hands of those raveners. He remembered being glad that he had been able to help Jace succeed, but the _joy_ he had felt when Jace had come back to save him...had been unprecedented. He couldn’t believe Jace really _did_ care about him enough to risk his life for him, and it had been this discovery that had later convinced him to accept becoming Jace's parabatai. Still, Alec had never had _any_ doubt that Jace had come for him only _after_ killing the greater demon. Until this moment, the thought that Jace could’ve _not_ killed him had never even crossed his mind. That Jace would not kill the demon for _him_ even less.

If his heart had been ready to jump out of his chest before, now it was already out. He needed to do some damage control. “You – you _care_ about me, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love with me, though.” Who was he trying to convince?

Jace smiled. “Alec, there’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already told myself. I’m not saying I always accepted that _that_ was what I was feeling. After that incident…I was scared out of my _mind_ , don’t you see? How _could_ I – I had fallen into acting out of _love_ like a common mundane! Love is…all that, and I know you think it’s stupid, but I _really_ believe it. In trying to save you, I developed the power to  _destroy_  you! I couldn’t handle that. Only the _thought_ of doing that to you…you are the most important person in my life, Alec." Jace's breath had an itch in it. "I - that’s why I wanted you to be my parabatai. I thought that being a pair of warriors bound together for life, who make each other stronger…could’ve truly saved you from me.”

Alec lowered his eyes, focusing on a crack on the floor to try and steady the jumble of thoughts that was his mind. He didn’t know what to feel, whether he should’ve been happy at the fact that Jace apparently did love him…or even more unhappy in realizing just how much their situation had been doomed from the start.

_You are the most important person in my life._

That still couldn't be a line Alec would ever forget. 

“You say you love me, too? It’s not just a crush?” Jace asked him then, hesitant in his hope. 

Alec almost laughed. “If it was ever a crush, I passed that stage a long time ago.”

“When…how do _you_ know that it’s really what you’re feeling?”

“How do I _know_?” Alec thought he would never have the words for it - yet, they came pouring out of him as if a tap had been opened. “I don’t _know_. I don’t have one moment, I don’t remember how it happened, I never thought about it…I just looked at you one day and realized that you were – _it_ for me. I could’ve spent the rest of my life never seeing you again, or never being with you…and that still wouldn’t have changed. I can’t – I can’t explain it more than that. That’s just how it is.”

Jace seemed to have something stuck in his throat when he asked, “Then why did you never say anything?”

“I never, _ever_ thought you could like me…like _that_. You were always with one girl or another, and then you asked me to be your parabatai and I thought that was all you wanted. I never thought I had a chance with you.”

“I thought that you accepting to become parabatai was proof that you didn’t feel what I did.”

Alec raised his eyes to the heavens, turning around to pace around the room with a hand grabbing at his hair. It was all becoming too _much_. What were the fucking _chances_?

“Alec, I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry that I never acted on my feelings when I could. I’m sorry that I forgot all about my reasoning or our bond when I was drunk, and I kissed you when I couldn’t. And I’m sorry that all I’ve been wanting to do these past few days was kiss you again…I _shouldn’t_ have kissed you again.”

“ _I_ am not sorry that you did that, Jace.” Without giving himself time to overthink it, Alec reached Jace’s side once again, and took his hand. The gesture was so simple, yet Alec’s treacherous heart went all a-flutter anyway. “Love might be a weakness, and we _should_ be above it...but we’re clearly not. Even Mom acts out of love for us instead than for the good of our cause most of the time. Love is _not_ that much worse than the demons who kill us, I think. And even if it were, the Angel forgive me…but I love you more than my life, Jace. More than my duty, more than my honor, more than _anything._ I – I’d _like_ not to be consumed by a feeling like this, it sure as hell has caused me to feel and act in all the ways that I shouldn’t - it’s made me miserable and a fool! But I am, damn it, I _am_. And I don’t _care_ if it’s a weakness, if it's wrong or dangerous or... _any_ of that.”

Jace stayed still for a long moment. Then he raised a hand until it reached Alec’s face, and he touched it, just barely, as if he was scared to break it. A thumb swiped sideways on Alec’s cheek, and Alec felt a shiver run throughout his entire body from that single contact. “I don’t know, Alec. I don’t know how to _do_ this. I can’t – I don’t _want_ to end up hurting you. Not even by chance. And this could end in literal _disaster_.”

Alec had stopped breathing, barely aware that Jace was talking. He was lost in Jace’s gaze without a way to escape it - when, suddenly, he felt it. A silent hum, a flow of living, light, indescribable _feeling_ passing through their bond, enveloping them both in its buzzing warmth. What did it _mean_?

Alec chose to see it as a sign.

He put his hand over Jace’s. “Everyone gets hurt eventually. It’s impossible not to be hurt, ever…not if you’re alive. So if I were to _choose_ what hurts me, I'd choose _you_ any day _._ ”

Jace inhaled sharply. His eyes were moving quickly, as if searching Alec’s face for any sign of doubt. When he didn't find it, he surged upwards, just as Alec bent down. Their lips collided somewhere in the middle, and it was sweet, intoxicating oblivion. Not urgent like their kisses of earlier, the way their mouths and tongues moved against one another was still fervent, divine, powerful. Alec's heart sighed in contentment, and he drew Jace a little bit closer to himself. 

When they broke apart, Alec had to keep his eyes closed a moment longer, his lips still tingling. If this was a dream, he surely didn’t want to end it so soon.

“If this...is what it means being in love with you, I might be brave enough to try it," Jace whispered. "I'd choose you, too.” 

Alec smiled.

To think…that he could’ve kissed Jace a long time ago. Or, if he didn’t want to go down _that_ road, one where they didn't have a kind of obstacle written in the Codex, he could’ve let himself believe, after Jace had kissed him at the park, that it had meant something to him just as much, and he could’ve spared himself days of grief…

Jace _loved_ him. Jace loved him with the kind of love he was _scared_ about. And he hadn’t wanted to destroy him, so he had tried to keep him forever in an even more binding way. Alec thought back to all those years - of suffering, yes, but of care as well, and friendship, and partnership, and _love_ between him and Jace - in a whole new light…and he had all the more appreciation for the bond they had. Still, accepting that Jace might love him back had been far too easy. Could it be just his wishful thinking, making him so ready to jump into it? Alec _knew,_ after all, that he was nothing compared to Jace, and the greatest Shadowhunter of their generation deserved only the best…but Jace had chosen _him_ above all else, he was _his_ parabatai. The way they had met, and found a soulmate in each other, had always struck Alec as such a powerful coincidence that it _couldn’t_ have been _just_ a coincidence. They bound their souls together while they were both in love with each other…maybe, in some way, they were really _meant_ to be?

In any case, that was what Alec told himself, as they plunged into madness, into _idiocy_ at its purest.

If they were really meant to be, they surely had gone at it all _backwards_ ; they first just _had_ to _platonically_ tie themselves together for life, to finally admit that what they felt for each other was anything but platonic…still, now that they knew, what _could_ they do?

Steal kisses behind closed doors, or in hidden crevices of the rooftop. Secretly hold hands under the table at lunch. Wink at each other at the most inappropriate times (that was mostly Jace). Laugh at the exhilaration of it all. Hold the other from behind in a blissful moment of closeness while cooking dinner alone in the kitchen. Fight together any demon who dared come up against them. Make love for the first time, and all the times after that, feeling everything so damn intensely. Be excessively provocative during a training session, then make up for it under the shower. Mark each other’s bodies, hearts and souls with everything they had. Trace the parabatai rune as their biggest curse, and fated destiny.

That was what they did.

And when their runes started glowing in their most intimate moments, and the power they hurled against demons became far beyond that of a normal Shadowhunter, they went to Catarina Loss. Trustworthy, discreet, charitable, they tolerated her crankiness while she tolerated their impulsiveness, and she taught them how to wield their magic. They were indebted to her for life, but it was worth it.

“We’re magic,” Jace whispered to Alec once, as they marveled at their glowing, locked hands snuggled up in bed.

They swore that one day they’d prove to the Clave that the parabatai curse was as real as their trust in Downworlders, and that parabatai magic was as dark and dangerous as its wielder, and uncontrollable only if untrained. But it wasn’t the right time.

Things weren’t always perfect, obviously. They were still Jace and Alec, stubborn hardheaded brats who were as alike as the sun and the moon. And they were still under all the pression that came from being Shadowhunters, their parents’ sons, and two people forbidden to be in love. Certain days they screamed at each other all their faults – whether they had been careless in their displays of affection, or simply just infuriating – or wallowed in their terrible luck. Other days they couldn’t say a word to each other, or spend one minute away from their responsibilities.

Alec sometimes felt like Jace didn’t understand at all what it meant following orders, or having to report to the Clave, or anything that had to do with running an Institute (which his parents were training him to do more and more each day) and he wanted to strangle him for it. But as he saw how hard Jace worked himself every day to be everything that his father had wanted him to be, to make up for his failure in following his directives…Alec accepted their roles, and went to sleep in Jace’s room, hugging him to his chest. Jace’s smile was the best reward. Jace’s love for him cost Jace his integrity in the eyes of the man who had raised him, and Alec would never take for granted how lucky he was to have it.

Years passed, and they never let each other go. They withheld the storms, and the calm, and everything in between. Alec had almost started to believe that they could face everything together.

Until Hodge approached him.

It was the start of the summer. Alec had just turned in his report for their latest mission and was about to go see Jace, when his tutor had entered the office. They were the only two people in there.

“Good evening, Hodge. I was just about to go to bed.”

“One moment, Alec. I need to talk to you.”

Hodge’s tone was grave, and Alec went on alert mode straight away. “Did something happen? Is everyone okay?”

“Nothing of the sort. I just thought we could have a heart to heart.”

Someway, that didn’t reassure Alec in the least. His hands started sweating, and he put them in his pockets. “Ehm, sure. What about?”

“You know what this is about.”

Alec blinked, not showing anything else on his face. Hodge was simply talking about him covering for Jace’s missed report once again, that was all. No reason to jump to the worst…

“Alec, I know about you and Jace.”

…He had not jumped to the worst fast enough. Alec’s entire life rose to his throat, constricting it. “M – me and Jace what?” 

“This is not the time for games. I saw you two on the rooftop last night.”

Alec opened his mouth. Last night he had backed Jace into a corner of the outer wall. He hadn’t heard anyone else on the roof, but they hadn’t really been paying attention…

It was over, they had fucked up, they were finished, it was _over_. “Hodge, I – I can explain. Please, I will do _anything_ –”

“You don’t have to explain, or do anything else but _end_ it. Right _now_.”

Alec hoped he wouldn’t have a heart attack before he had done something to _fix_ this. “What – Hodge, _wait_ …”

“No, Alec, you heard me. There is no point in me telling you now, how I would’ve expected you to know _better_ …what is done is done. I have no intention to tattle on you, on the condition that you _swear_ to me right now that you’re ending it as soon as you can. Don’t you realize what could’ve happened if it had been anyone else on that roof?! Do you realize what could happen to all of you, including your entire family, if you were found out?! The utter _disgrace_ you’d all plummet into?! Believe me, you don’t _want_ that. Alec, I care about you, and Jace as well…and I don’t want to see your futures destroyed. Swear it, now, or I _will_ have to take more drastic measures. And if I realize you didn’t do it, I _will_ have to tell.”

There _couldn’t_ be any relief at the knowledge that Hodge wouldn’t tell yet. Because the cost of it – _End it. Right now._

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. All was going _well_ , they had everything under control…how could they have been so _stupid_?

In that moment, the only thing Alec wanted to do was drop on his knees and beg Hodge to let them be. Or, worse, for a wild second he wanted to _kill_ him. He _could’ve_ , in the blink of an eye, and everything would've gone back to normal…

“Alec.” Alec raised his eyes to stare into Hodge’s unwavering gaze. “You can dispose of me right now, but if you go down this road, you know what the consequences will be. Is that really what you want? Damn yourself and Jace forever? Damn Izzy and Max as well? You know a happy ending is not possible. You must be strong enough to make the right choice for all of them.”

Alec shut his eyes to keep the tears from falling. He saw the furious faces of his parents forcing them to be separated forever…he saw his sister’s pitying look and confused little Max not understanding what was going on…and he saw other Shadowhunters averting their eyes from all of them, judgment and ridicule whispered behind their backs, the Lightwoods forever shamed…

Alec gritted his teeth until he couldn’t feel them anymore. “I – I swear.”

He didn’t hear Hodge leave.

Alec could’ve very well have been a zombie, as him and Jace walked among the trees outside the Institute the night after. He hadn’t been able to face Jace before then. After he had sworn, he had told Jace he was too tired, and spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out a way to do what needed to be done, without ripping his own heart out in the process.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Why are we walking here? Are you okay? You’ve been weird all day,” Jace broke the silence that Alec still didn’t have the guts to end. 

How could he _say_ it? In all those hours, he hadn’t managed to come up with an acceptable speech. His mind was no less panicked than it had been the night before.

All he knew was that he couldn’t tell the truth. Jace wouldn’t accept it. He wouldn’t see it as reason enough to end their relationship, because Hodge was only one man who could be _tricked_.

But Alec knew better now than to take that risk. _You must be strong enough to make the right choice for all of them._

“Jace,” Alec started, and it hurt only to say his name. “I – I can’t do this anymore.”

He had halted, and Jace did as well, confusion written on his face. “Do what?”

Alec gestured vaguely with his hands, painfully at a loss. “This.” He took a deep breath. “ _Us_.”

“You mean you don’t want to go out tonight too? It’s fine, we can just stay inside.” Jace smiled at him _,_ still unfazed.

Alec closed his eyes for a moment. “ _No_. I mean…we can’t be _together_ anymore,” he strangled out. 

Jace arched an eyebrow. “What are you _talking_ about? Did you hit your head?”

“Jace, I’m serious!”

His shout finally got through to Jace, because he couldn’t mask a flinch. “Okay! But what do you mean we can’t be together anymore, what’s _wrong_?”

“Everything’s wrong!” Alec tugged at his hair, hoping the pain would give some sense to what he was doing. “Aren’t you _tired_ , Jace?”

“ _Tired_?!” Jace’s tone was full of disbelief, near outrage, and he was looking at Alec as if he had just lost his mind.

Alec still went on. “All this secrecy, lies, and deception…do we really want to live the rest of our _lives_ like this?!”

“ _Yes_? That has always been the plan! Because being together matters more than all _that_ …what has _gotten_ into you? Did – something happen?” Jace was suddenly breathless.

This. This was his last chance. He could come clean, and they’d _fix_ this, together, someway…

 _If I realize you didn’t do it, I_ will _have to tell._

Alec gulped. “ _No_ , nothing happened. I just – I can’t _do_ this anymore.”

The crack in his voice made Jace widen his eyes, and Alec couldn’t _look_ at him.

“But why? I don’t understand, why _now_?” Jace asked, half way between despair and anger.

“Maybe, maybe I’m just now seeing how stupid we’ve been, _okay_?! Breaking one of the most sacred laws in the Codex, risking our, and our family’s, future…and for what? _Love_?!” He spat that last word as if it were the foulest of ones.

Love _had_ been their curse, but he was now renouncing what had also been their greatest happiness.

Jace flared his nose, his burning gaze making Alec wish he could bury himself under the earth. “Yeah, _love_. I remember _you_ telling me countless times that you didn’t care if love was a weakness, or if it hurt you, that your love for me was more important that a damn _Law_! Now you’re telling me that you’re _backtracking_ , Alec? You’re letting them _win_?!”

“This is not about winning! Just _think_ of what could happen if–”

“It _is_ about letting other people _control_ our lives! Yes, they might have the power to do all they want to us, but you want to give them the power to take away all that _matter_ s to you?”

“They already have that power!” Alec didn’t know what more he needed to do to make him _understand_!  “And this is not only about what could happen to _us_ – our _family_ would be implicated too! I _need_ to protect them, and our legacy. Listen, we’d still always be parabatai, okay? Nothing will change that, it’ll just have to be _enough_.”

Jace paced in front of him a few times; Alec thought he might create a scorch mark in his wake.

“So what is your _plan_ , exactly? You’re going to live the life they want you to live, like a good little soldier? Marry a girl chosen for you, to father exceptionally stuck-up and prissy children just like you?” Jace spit out.

Alec bit his lip, forcing himself to let those jabs slide. He deserved them after all. “Yes, that’s exactly my plan.”

Jace snorted. “And you _dare_ talk to me about _lies_ and _deception_?! Don’t you see that _that_ will be all your life is about?!”

“Yes, thank you, I’m not stupid!” Alec ignored Jace’s whispered come-back. “But at least I won’t have to _hide_ all the time! Or – or look behind my shoulder, and _fear_ what my irresponsible actions will lead to!”

“Wow, Alec. All these years I hadn’t realized you were a damn _coward_.”

“And you don’t care about anything or anyone but _yourself_!”

Alec blinked, once, twice, three times. Jace was still in front of him, the scene unfolding wasn’t a fragment of his own imagination, they had really said all those things…

“Wait, Jace, I didn’t mean–”

“Oh, no. I get it. I don’t care about what happens since _I_ was the one to convince _you_ to be together, screw everything else, _right_? In that case, I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Jace, please,I’m not saying it’s your fault! _I_ was stupid, and I’m saying that _now_ we need to start taking responsibilities for our actions and _stop_ before it’s too late…I know we can get through this, _together_! We’re the best team after all, aren’t we?”

Alec tried for a smile, his arm shooting forward to try and get ahold of Jace’s hand.

Jace took a step back. His eyes had never looked darker. “We’re clearly _not_. You do whatever you want, Alec, but I won’t stand by this bullshit martyr crusade of yours.”

Jace turned around, starting to walk away…and panic flared in Alec. His fingers grabbed Jace’s shirt, trying to keep him there, _stop_ whatever was happening from happening. He was yanked away, and Jace started running.

“Wait, Jace, don’t! Please, don’t…leave...me.”

It was too late. Jace couldn’t hear him anymore.

His father's profecy had turned out true in the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you yell at me, on this [tag](http://sapphicalexandra.tumblr.com/tagged/strangers%20au/chrono) on my tumblr there are a few companion gifsets to bridge the gab before the last chapter ;)


	3. To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is faced with a choice. Break it or mend it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! For now. Know that this isn't the end of this verse ;)  
> All the thanks again to the people liking and commenting, hope you'll enjoy this one! <3

It was all his fault, he knew that. He _deserved_ being walked out on; he couldn’t expect Jace to just be fine with what he had chosen. But, in the end, it’d have to be for the best: if they were divided, they couldn’t get into more trouble.

But they were _parabatai_ , their souls were linked together for life...so, eventually, they’d find their way back to each other, with a new – lawful, platonic – balance. 

Alec forced himself to believe it. He _had_ to believe it. He _could_ live with the constant ache, the unsatisfiable need to be with Jace in any possible way – or, he _would_. He’d bare all the pain he had brought upon himself without complaining, because he had been reckless enough to think he could get everything he wanted without consequences, and now that the consequences had come he had no one else to blame.

But he would not _lose_ Jace. He – he could never _live_ without Jace. He’d rather die. And if he hadn’t fucked up beyond repair, Jace still felt the same and he would forgive him. Alec didn’t know how much he’d take him, but he’d wait for Jace to come back to him for an entire lifetime, if need be.

All summer, it was hard to believe they lived in the same place. Alec laid awake in bed almost every night, recounting endless days of court nods and quick dismissals by the person whose betrayed emotions he felt in his very soul, of puzzled stares by the comrades who noticed their coldness towards one another, and of comforting words by Izzy, their only ally in all those years (they’d never told her, but she’d always tacitly covered for them).

On top of all that, Hodge was their shadow wherever they went, whatever they did. When he could, he split their team – Alec, Jace and Izzy – up, having Jace go hunt with younger cadets with the excuse of helping with their training. Jace was always more than eager, and thankful, to oblige, oblivious to their tutor’s hidden motives. When they had to go together, however, their efficiency had managed, somehow, not to plummet. They were at least professional enough to always cover each other’s backs and bring their best game in their fights. In battle, their hearts beat as one whether they – or, Jace – liked it or not. But if a mission took too long, Alec received constant texts and calls from Hodge telling him to report their whereabouts. He always had to make him hear that Izzy was there with them.

Alec _tried_  not to resent him, he knew he was only doing that for their own good…but it was hard to look him in the eyes without wishing he’d had the guts to kill him that night.

After, his disgust for himself only grew. _I can bare it,_ Alec repeated to himself then. Both the circumstances and his own wretched existence, he would bare them until he was alive.

He’d take Jace going out whenever he had free time to get down with (most-likely) hot strangers, and he’d manage his own body flaring out with lust as a result. He wasn’t a shy, embarrassed teen with a crush anymore, he wouldn’t have to feel ashamed if he relieved his own needs while thinking of Jace ( _he_ didn’t need someone else to be with him to do it). And it didn’t matter that his wish for Jace was like the one that a fish out of water would have for breath; his cold sheets were enough to stifle the maddening tingle under his skin.

You just _couldn’t_ stay hot in an empty bed, where the ghost of your lover's scent was still present.

Towards the end of the summer, however, things had started to improve. Jace didn’t flee immediately from a room Alec was in anymore. They could have some casual conversations, even if they were mostly about their missions. Jace smiled at him from time to time, before realizing what he had done and quickly backtracking. Alec knew he just needed to be a little more patient, and he’d get his parabatai back.

As usual, life had other plans for him.

That his punishment would appear in the form of a little red-headed brat…he had to admit he would've never expected it. He had to hand it to the Angel, as far as originality went.

And just like that, Jace was slipping from between his fingers. He was going far and beyond for _Clary Fray_ , like he had never done for anybody else, and Alec couldn’t brush it off as a casual conquest that would last a fortnight. The panic that filled him then, was all-consuming.

It was irrational, he was aware of that. _He_ had let Jace go, so he couldn’t expect him not to ever find someone else. But that _that_ someone else would have so much influence and traction on Jace, to the point that Jace constantly and fiercely chose _her_ over him…it couldn’t not feel like a constant punch in the gut. _They_ were magic, _their_ souls belonged together – _who_ the hell was this _girl_?

Valentine’s – the most renowned madman to ever challenge the Clave and the natural order of the Shadow world – very own _daughter_.

Try to tell it to Jace! No, countless unsanctioned missions were done for _her_ , of the like that wouldn’t go unnoticed. And all the work Alec had done, all the _sacrifices_ he had made, to secure his family’s safety, was soon going to amount to _nothing_! The Lightwoods were going to lose their prestige, their credibility, their trustworthiness! And Jace didn’t seem to care at _all_ , like he had accused him of without really believing it, until now…

It wasn’t a wonder then, that after more than ten years of knowing each other, including four years of an impossible relationship, they’d never fought quite so _much_ , so constantly, so _viciously_. The divide between their priorities and views became more and more an insurmountable problem.

The small sliver of hope that grew in Alec when his own face appeared as Jace’s most beloved person, proving that at least that hadn’t changed, lasted no more than Jace choosing to help Clary’s werewolf friend over staying by his side. _I’ll be fine on my own_.

Well then, if Jace was moving on, so would _he_.

Alec’s chance presented itself in the form of a warlock, of all things – the _High_ warlock of Brooklyn, no less. Magnus Bane was very charming and attractive, he clearly liked him, flirted with him, wanted him, _and_ didn’t have anything to do with his family. It was perfect.

Of course, things only became more complicated.

His fears manifested themselves. The Lightwoods were under scrutiny. His inability to be the leader he was supposed to be, and restrain Jace from his pointless crusade for his new girlfriend, brought the appearance of a Clave envoy, Lydia Branwell.

The time after that was a tornado crushing on his life, the world shifting off its axis as it swirled around and around both outside and inside of him.

 _I’ll have to get married far earlier than I thought, the Cup needs to be safe, my parents were Circle members, they are_ liars _and_ hypocrites _, we’re going to lose the Institute, I need to protect them, I must marry Lydia, Valentine is getting close, Jace is not being Switzerland as he said, he should_ not _be Switzerland,_ we _swore to protect each other! Magnus was strangely affected when I told him about the marriage, what did he_ expect _?! Meliorn is going to be tortured, but if I don’t do what needs to be done it could end up like with Lydia’s ex! The damn little girl and her inability to understand how things work in our world! How could Jace lie to me?! If it was only about my jealousy our world wouldn’t be going to hell! I don’t want to be on different sides either, but why can’t you be on MY side? It’ll be breaking the Law and we can’t afford to do that anymore! Jace is gone and Izzy is going to be deruned and exiled! I must do everything to save her! How could Jace go behind my back?! Jace is dead to me! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, what have I done? How could I weaken the bond even more?! Izzy is safe, but Jace lied to me, betrayed me, attacked me, I don’t want anything to do with him anymore! Love? Magnus doesn’t think I know what love means? Love has caused me nothing but trouble!_

And that was how the night before his wedding came along. The night he put the final nail on his and Jace’s bond.

**present time**

Jace’s pleas still echoing in his mind, Alec reached his room half-blind, unable to see beyond the pool of tears in his eyes.

When he closed the door behind him, he only had the energy to collapse on the ground against it. Curving into a ball, he wished to make himself smaller.

If he was _small_ , the pain had less room in which to expand. He could already feel it strangling his bones, flowing in his veins, pumping his organs...until his entire being was crumpled under its weight. Had he broken the parabatai bond once and for all? Is that what this feeling meant? In that case, he hoped the pain would bury him for good. _Anything_ would be preferable to it plaguing his entire existence, forever a _reminder-_

He should’ve _never_ agreed to enter that bond. He should’ve never looked _twice_ at that kid who had entered his life like a ray of fucking sunshine. He should’ve never given himself to him, molding his entire life around him, _into_ him, _with_ him. If Alec hadn’t done any of that, his very soul wouldn’t be made of pieces of _him_. His body wouldn’t still hold the shape of him, tattooed into his flesh with far more than one mark. His heart wouldn’t pump _his_ name in his veins.

 _Jace_.

What had he _done_?

What had he been doing since that night he _broke_ them?

 _NO! Alec, that’s not what I want! You could never be a burden, the opposite of that – I could never live without you! These past few months…have been hell. Please, don’t_ go _._

Alec was going to suffocate. He didn’t know why in that very moment words he had read to Jace once had to come back to hit him in the face.

**_I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!*_**

He was an _idiot_.

Him and Jace had been through too much together to just let him _go_. Even if they couldn’t be together, even if they had every reason to just give _up_ on each other, he’d be damned before Jace’s soul parted from his! Because the truth was, Jace could betray him, hurt him, walk away from him all he wanted, and Alec could do the same to him...it would still _never_ change the fact that they had belonged together ever since that moment, all those years ago, when Alec's arrow had barely missed Jace.

He'd die before he stopped believing that. 

Alec rose from the floor as if he had just received an electric shock. Yanking the door open, he started running all the way back to the basement.

Jace wasn’t there anymore, and Alec’s stomach dropped. Yet, he didn't stop; he resumed running until he reached the outside of Jace’s room. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest…if Jace wasn’t there, if he had gone out, it could be too late before he found-

Alec opened the door, and he almost cried out in relief when he saw Jace sitting on the bed, head buried in his hands. _He_ had done that. He had hurt Jace just as much, if not _more_ than how Jace had hurt him. This eye for an eye needed to _stop_.

Alec turned around to activate lock and soundless runes on the door, his movements slow and careful, to try and still his shaking hands…then he strode towards Jace, who hadn’t moved an inch. The bed creaked when Alec sat heavily on it, his arms already going to embrace Jace as tight as he could, his face pressed against Jace's hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m _sorry_ …” Alec chanted in Jace’s ear, his voice breaking.

Jace finally seemed to come back to life. He removed his hands from his face, to use them to _shove_ at Alec’s chest, pushing him away. “ _Don’t_. Just don’t.”

Alec didn't move away. Instead, he tried to put his arms around Jace once again. “Jace, I’m _so_ sor–”

“I said don’t!” Jace forcefully shrugged Alec’s hands off of him. “It’s fine, you’re right! I only bring pain in your life, in everybody’s life! I’m just a selfish broken fucked-up _mess_ raised by a _monster_ …”

Alec felt himself gasp. He had forgotten about the new revelation. Valentine had turned out be Jace’s father, having pretended to be Michael Wayland all those years until he faked his own death...and Jace and Clary had been brother and sister all along…how could he have forgotten _that_?!

“No, no, Jace," Alec's lips were trembling as he spoke, "you’re not selfish, or broken, or fucked-up! You–”

“I _am_! And you shouldn’t be near me...I am _bad_ for you or everybody else! So I release you, too – I release you from _me_!”

Alec desperately shook his head. “I never should’ve said that! I didn’t – I could _never_ mean it. Everything I said was – listen, _you_ were trying to do something good…and _I_ was a damn coward! You were right, I _am_ a coward! I’d rather have others hurt than risk everything I’ve worked for all my life! I couldn’t – I couldn’t _keep_ you, I couldn’t find a better way to protect our family, I couldn’t stand everything changing so _fast_! And I was the leader of nothing and the soldier from _hell._  I just wanted…to keep everything together and how it _should_ be, but it wouldn’t _work_.”

Jace was trying to get away, and Alec took his face in between his hands, holding on despite Jace's squirming. “I _hurt_ you, repeatedly. _I_ weakened our bond, I had a sword at your throat, by the Angel! I just - I felt like you were drifting away from me and I proceeded to blame you for everything that was happening, as if it wouldn’t only drive you away _further_. Jace, it wasn't all your fault, and I’m _so_ sorry.”

Alec lowered his head, scrunching his face to not have it fall apart.

“But I-" Alec was surprised to hear Jace's coarse, subdued voice, and to realize that Jace wasn't trying to get away anymore. "I  _should’ve_  thought more of what was happening at the Institute...I should’ve predicted something, I should’ve stopped to look at you, I – Alec, I didn’t think all this could happen! I felt you slipping too, and I didn’t know what to _do_.”

Alec couldn't have been more relieved that Jace was talking to him, and, suddenly, he didn't _care_ about all that anymore. Nosy tutors and little girls, madmen and Clave envoys, shouts and fights...what did it all _matter?_ Right then, Alec wanted nothing more than to forget about everything and throw himself at Jace...and he did just that, hugging him again, as if being physically close alone could fill the void dividing them.

He knew it wasn't that simple, but it surely didn’t hurt. On the contrary, sensing Jace’s solid form, his warmth, his scent, his _life_ , right in between his arms, felt as if he had been lost in the woods all this time, and Jace was his home. Alec would've kept on holding him until he forgot he had ever let him go. 

His wish wasn't fulfilled, because Jace pushed him away again.

“Then _why_?!" More shouting caught Alec off guard, and he flinched. "Why are you here? We’ve said and done the most awful things to each other, we’ve been everything a parabatai, or a friend, or a lover _shouldn’t_ be! Why did you come _back_?”

Alec looked into Jace’s eyes. “You know why.”

_I love you._

But he couldn’t say it, or they’d be lost.

“ _Do_ I?" Jace rebutted, eyes into slits. "Because I remember _you_ claiming it wasn’t a reason _enough._ ” Alec could see he was trying to mask how much that had hurt him.

“And you believed me?” Alec chuckled bitterly. 

An answer wasn't needed, because they both _knew_ Jace had believed him. Alec had made sure of it.

“ _Everything_ I’ve done,” Alec admitted then, “was because I loved you _too_ much.”

Jace cracked a smile, before his face turned sorrowful, almost _tired_. “Same. I tried _so_ hard to steer clear of you, because just being in the same room was too painful.”

A lump formed in Alec’s throat. He tried not to think of who exactly had steered Jace away. He closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, Jace was still looking at him with that same stricken expression.

So now  _what_? What could they do? Where would they go from there? So many more things needed to be said, to be _done_ , and the world outside of that room hadn’t stopped spinning. It was still waiting for them, to throw them for a loop all over again.

It felt as if they were on the edge of a precipice; if they walked any further, they might tilt to the side, and fall.

Therefore they stayed silent, facing each other on the bed, only their legs touching, while they made the conscious effort not to get any closer. They breathed in sync, though, for the first time in a long while. They didn’t feel like strangers anymore...more like two magnets being pulled in opposite directions by implacable forces.

Alec felt heavy, his shoulders sagged as if he couldn’t hold his own body anymore. Jace was so _close_ , yet so far away. He itched to touch him, to hold him, to truly forget anything else beside them existed. He wished to be lost in the lines of his face, in the texture of his skin, in the color of his eyes...

He slipped and looked at Jace’s lips, only for one second - but it was enough.

Jace surged forward at the same time as he did…and their lips meeting, _conjoining_ again after the agony of separation felt like a cry of joy deep in the foundation of his – _their_ – being. Their mouths collided over and over again as if they wished to devour each other, and something inside of Alec _sang_. If he weren’t too busy kissing Jace, he would’ve started sobbing.

He _knew_  that this was the most foolish and reckless thing they could possibly do, and that it would only make things worse instead of solving anything.

He still rose Jace’s shirt from his sides and helped him get rid of it. Then he pushed Jace into the bed, sighing when their bodies found their rightful place, entwined together. Their fervency only grew, their kisses became deeper and deeper, and Alec could only think _I love you, I love you_ …

Jace flipped them over all of a sudden, not before Alec’s sweater was also removed, and they were skin to skin, Jace kissing him with some kind of despair...when finally their runes started glowing. Jace flinched away when he noticed, drawing his hand from Alec’s golden neck, but Alec caught it, bringing it to his lips, then pressing it against the side of his face, eyes closed in bliss. With his other hand, he traced Jace’s parabatai rune.

"We're magic," Alec whispered. 

Jace let out a whimper, shivering under Alec's hands, but he relaxed, bringing their lips together once again, just a feather-touch. “I missed you,” he whispered brokenly.

Suddenly unable to speak, Alec embraced him, pressing their bodies closer while Jace buried his face against his neck. In him there was a hope that they would permanently fuse together before the sun rose.

They did not _fuse_ together, but they went as close to it as was humanly possible.

Alec couldn’t believe he had almost forgotten what it felt like, what it _meant_ to truly be complete and attuned to another person. _Jace_. _His_ Jace. The endless times he cried out his name couldn’t express _enough_ the experience of being with him, having all of him, and be loved by him. How had he gotten on for more than one day without _this_? It had been impossible ever since they kissed for the first time…that summer had been nothing short of the deepest pit of hell. But _Hodge -_ Hodge had laid off of them when he had realized that their rift couldn’t but be real. Still, he loomed over their heads even in the security of that room. Alec still drew a shout out of Jace then, and forgot all about it.

When they huddled under the covers, catching their breath, Alec laid his head over the same pillow as Jace, facing him, caressing his arm, still unwilling to stop touching him. He couldn't resist placing one last kiss on Jace’s lips before closing his eyes, breathing in the respite of the moment. The after-effects of their lovemaking flowed through their bond like honey. 

“Was all that you said," Jace broke the silence in a whisper, "the real reason you broke up with me? You felt like I didn't care about you?" He sounded like he hadn't wanted to ask, but desperately needed the answer.

Alec looked at him, his stomach clenching painfully. It was a wonder his mountain of lies hadn’t tumbled on him already. “ _No_. I can feel what you feel, remember? I never doubted you. It wasn’t anything you did. I–" he gulped, "Jace, Hodge found out.”

Jace stayed frozen for a second, then his eyebrows shot to his hairline. “ _What_?!”

“He saw us kissing on the roof one night, and he threatened to tell if I didn’t end it immediately,” Alec recounted in one breath. He already felt lighter than before, even though he knew he couldn’t get away with it so easily.

Jace’s mouth was hanging open as he abruptly sat up, looking down at Alec with eyes as wide as saucers. “Why – why the _hell_ didn’t you tell me?!”

“I–” Alec had never felt so ashamed in his life. “I _panicked!_  I didn’t know what to do! I thought that if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it was reason enough to stop, but you would’ve tried to find a way around it! And I couldn’t - _let_ you, we would’ve just been found out again, and then _everything_ would’ve been _over_. I – I’m _sorry_. I know I should’ve told you.”

Jace remained unmoving for what felt like an eternity. When he sagged, falling back on the pillow, he looked as if he had no more energy left to do anything else. He didn’t say a word for so long that Alec couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jace, _please_ , talk to me, yell at me if you want!” he begged him.

Jace smiled softly. “I don’t want to yell at you. I don’t even feel angry, just sad. I’m – I’m sorry.”

“Why are _you_ apologizing now?”

“Because I was the one who made you feel like you couldn’t count on me.”

Alec blinked. “ _What_? No, Jace, it was _my_ fault! I was so caught in worrying about everything that I couldn’t have accepted any other way but my _own_.”

“But you said it yourself! You felt like I always left you to deal with the messes I made, that’s why you thought you had to fix everything on your own! Alec, even though it was not what _I_ intended, you can’t deny you felt like that. And it’s not fair. I’m your _parabatai_ , I should be there for you no matter what, in any way! But I  _swear_ to you right now that I will do everything in my power to be better. I _will_ be better. Just -  _please_ , Alec, promise me that you won’t lie to me again, if I promise the same.”

Alec felt like he could breathe again for the first time since Hodge had approached him. Despite the weight of his mistakes, those words were like a soothing balm on his own wounds. He wasn't alone in the world, and he would never be again. 

Sensing a prickle in his eyes that he tried to ignore, Alec broke out into a smile, as he took Jace’s hands in between his own. “I _promise_. No more lies. And I swear to be better, too.”

Jace smiled at him, all teeth and dimples. Oh, how Alec had missed seeing that. To quench a sudden gush of emotions, he brought Jace’s hands to his lips, and kept them there for a while.

“You were right,” Jace broke the silence once again. 

“About what, exactly?” Alec replied cheekily. 

Jace shoved him, before turning serious. “We - we can’t spend the rest of our lives hiding. All the secrets...they were eating at us, that’s why it all went to shit.”

Alec's heart sank, and he closed his eyes, nodding. He didn't think that truth would ever stop hurting.

Jace snuggled closer to him, hugging Alec's middle while he placed his head on Alec's chest. Alec could feel his breath on his skin. He circled Jace's shoulder. 

“So, it’s really over,” Jace proclaimed, his voice strangled out of him.

Alec pressed his lips against Jace's head. “We will never be over. We’ll _always_ be parabatai, and I’m always going to be there for you.”

“Me, too.”

It would never be enough, but it’ll have to.

Alec was finally about to fall asleep, a tear trickling down his eye, when Jace spoke again. Alec felt so _tired_ , plagued by the war joy and sadness were raging inside of him, but he couldn't really fault Jace for feeling the need to prolong the night as much as he could.

“You’re getting married tomorrow.”

Alec snorted. “And Clary is your sister. What’s up with that?”

Jace's shoulders shook as he laughed. “I can’t believe it. First my parabatai, then my sister…I have the worst damn luck.” He was trying to be playful, but his tone betrayed his bitterness, and his sorrow. 

“You really loved her, didn’t you?” Alec couldn't help but ask. He didn’t know why he just had to do that to himself.

Jace raised his head, arching an eyebrow at him. “Are you seriously wondering if I loved her more than you? First of all, I just _met_ her. No matter what you thought, I wasn’t just helping her cause I found her hot. Secondly, I _could’ve_ , maybe, fallen in love with her…but she could never be _you_.”

Alec should've been embarassed of the smile that split his face in half right then. That fact made him happier that he would’ve liked to admit, since it would let on just how _much_ Clary trampling him had worried, _bothered_ him.

“I mean, now it’s just sick to think about,” Jace went on, oblivious to his musings, “that I kissed my sister, that I wanted her, what if we had – I just, I must be sick, or something.” 

Alec came out of his reverie. “Hey, no. Look at me.” Alec raised Jace’s chin with his finger. “You’re _not_ sick. You couldn’t have known. The situation is just…confusing and fucked-up."

Jace didn't seem convinced, but he said, "I guess," shrugging fake-nonchalantly. 

Alec had to press on, "And about your father...Jace, no matter who he is-”

"No, no, I don't want to talk about that," Jace interrupted him, averting his eyes. 

" _Jace_..."

"I'm serious, please, really, just...not now. Please."

Alec sighed. "Okay. But whenever you want..."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you." 

Jace gave him a quick kiss, and Alec suppressed the need to protest further. He couldn't even begin to imagine what must've been going on in Jace's mind right then. All the things he had to look back to in such a different and infinitely more warped light, as if things hadn't been muddled before...

“Alec, don’t get married.”

That wasn't one of the things he would've imagined. Jace had gotten himself upright to lean on his elbow, and was looking at Alec rather intently, a frown on his face. 

Alec huffed, turning his head the other way. “Jace, I have to.”

“I was serious before. I can go talk to Lydia, or whoever else is needed, and I will explain the entire situation! But you can’t, you _shouldn’t_ have to spend the rest of your life living another kind of lie. Especially not because of me.”

“It was _my_ decision, Jace. It wasn't your fault, for _real_. Something like that would've happened anyway, considering that my parents were Circle members...with Valentine rising, the Clave would've gone after them,  _us_ , in any case. _This_ , now, is the only effective way to keep the Institute and clear the Lightwood’s name, and I’m not giving it up. I – Lydia is a good person, and we work well together. It’s a perfect arrangement for both of us.”

“But it might _not_ be the only way, or it could not solve everything like you think...and you'd be tying yourself to something that could _not_ be that necessary, hindering every chance you might have to be happy! You’d _never_ be able to find someone you could be happy with.”

Alec turned his head towards Jace, snorting. “Jace, you think I could ever be happy with someone that isn’t you? Nobody else is _you_ for me, too.”

A corner of Jace’s mouth perked up, but it quickly went away. “What about Magnus?”

“No, no, we’re not talking about that.”

“C’mon, it’s clear he likes you. And you like him, at least, right? How do you know it couldn’t be something good? If _we_ can’t be together, shouldn’t we at least try to be with someone else? Just because it didn’t work out for me, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t for you.”

Alec sat up, shrugging the covers off of him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under all that warmth. “What are you even suggesting? That I leave my Shadowhunter wife for a male Downworlder? Are you _hearing_ yourself?”

Jace circled Alec's shoulders with his arms, laying his chin on one. Alec reluctantly let him, and leaned back into him. “I’m not suggesting anything. I just want you to be _happy,_ don't you know that by this point? Listen, I’m not going to tell you to go against what the Clave or your family wants, if that’s what you care about. I’m just presenting you the possibility that there might be something else out there for you. You should know all the options, right? I'm not saying it just for the hell of it, I _really_ think that if you were to choose that, it wouldn’t be the end of the world like _you_ think. Some people might talk, or be pissed, and you might have to work your way back up some new obstacles, but I _believe_ in you. I know how determined you are, when you want something bad enough, and they’ll just have to recognize your true qualities once they realize they can’t do _without_ you. Don’t snort! It’s true. I – listen, you know how I feel about letting our lives be controlled by bullshit laws and traditions, and I won’t change my mind. I know better than to change yours. But I’ll stand by you, whatever you decide.”

“Really? You would give me away tomorrow?” Alec turned his head around to look Jace in his eyes, unable to mask the hope from his voice. “Please? I - I can’t do this without you.”

Jace smiled. “If that’s what you want, I’ll be honored.”

An indescribable sense of relief filled Alec's heart. He _truly_ had Jace back. They’d be okay.

He pushed Jace back down on the bed. “Thank you. Now, can we stop talking?”

Jace laughed. “Yeah.”

More laughter was covered by demanding lips. The night wasn’t over yet.

But it was, eventually, and way too soon.

Alec’s alarm went off, and he woke up with a jolt, a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach making him feel like he was going to be sick. Remembering the events of the night, as well as the knowledge that he wouldn’t lose Jace, couldn’t erase the fact that walking away from him – _them_ – once again, was going to feel like leaving a piece of himself behind. Which wasn’t far from the truth.

And no matter his resolve to go through with the wedding, he wasn’t stupid enough to not know that what Jace, Izzy, or Magnus told him wasn’t farfetched. He _wasn’t_ really looking forward to a life of chastity – because he could never have affairs, he just couldn’t – and solid partnership. The only bright spot was that he at least really did like Lydia as a friend, and she wouldn’t expect anything from him that he couldn’t give her.

Still, he felt _awful_. In that moment, Jace’s bed, with Jace draped over him from behind, was the closest thing to heaven he would ever find, and he wouldn’t have wanted to leave it for anything in the world.

Jace hugged him tighter to himself then, and Alec sighed, in despair as well as contentment. He interlaced his hand with Jace’s before kissing it, trying to map to memory the texture and warmth of his skin. Their bond was already trembling in anticipation of him leaving, and just when it was back to its brightest glory, risen from the ashes! 

And to think...that they had the power to bring down that entire Institute and make their escape, if they wanted to. But, in that case, Alec knew they'd only prove the parabatai curse true. If they wanted their bond to be light, not darkness, they could  _never_  give in to their basest impulses. 

As if reading his thoughts, Jace spoke, rather groggily, “What if we got away, and never looked back?”

Alec smiled forlornly, but he let himself indulge in it for a minute. “We could go to the west. Attend a mundane college, or work in one of those fast foods shops, while living in a shitty apartment. I bet a cat would fit nicely. I bet it'd love me more than you.”

Alec felt Jace's body shake with laughter. “In your dreams. But yeah...it doesn’t sound too bad.”

Would they really manage as mundanes? Alec liked to think that, together, they could make it, be happy, even.

They would never know.

Alec turned around in Jace’s arms. He kissed him, as they held each other as close as they could, until they still could. They could never do this again. 

Breaking himself apart and getting up from the bed took Alec as much effort as it was to be expected. He got dressed in silence, Jace watching him just as quiet.

Before leaving, Alec went to sit next to Jace. Jace was holding himself with his knees to his chest, making himself look so much smaller than all his muscles should allow.

Alec felt almost numb, except for when he kissed Jace one last time. He prolonged and savored the moment as long as possible.

“I love you, now and forever,” Alec told him then. That statement could only be uttered in a whisper.

“I love you. Now and forever,” Jace echoed, a catch in his voice. “Never forget, that I’m yours.”

Alec nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “And I’ll always be yours.”

He brushed Jace’s mouth with his own one last, _last_ time, so that he would still have the feel of it on his lips for as long as he lived. He rose from the bed, staring at Jace to burn in his memory the image of him...then he strode to the door and got out of it without even registering his movements. He pushed it closed, leaning on it, with an itch in his breath. For once, he didn’t care if he ended up crying for real.

He reached his room first, covering his face with a pillow once he collapsed on the bed.

Later, he did end up taking a chance, after all. He strode down the aisle and kissed Magnus Bane right in the mouth, in front of _everyone_. He couldn’t live like a coward anymore, and his mother, his father, the Clave…they'll have to live with it. With the real him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *quote from Wuthering Heights
> 
> Remeber that this is not the end! I'll be tinkering with s2a (and partially b) after this.
> 
> p.s. since i always find the perfect songs to fit them or my fics, try listening to 'no goodbyes' by dua lipa for this chapter, and drown in the feels


End file.
